


Everything is Better With a Mad Tea Party

by misura



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2019-01-31 03:11:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12667053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misura/pseuds/misura
Summary: "Lesbians!" Michael said. "Brilliant, right? I mean, everything is better with lesbians!"





	Everything is Better With a Mad Tea Party

**Author's Note:**

  * For [voleuse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/voleuse/gifts).



"Wait," said Michael. "Wait. I've got an idea."

Shawn arched an eyebrow. It made him look even more unimpressed than usual.

"Lesbians!" Michael said. "Brilliant, right? I mean, everything is better with lesbians!"

"Ah," said Shawn. "And I am to assume that when you say 'better', what you actually mean is 'worse'?"

"Bah." Michael waved away some stray ashes that had come wafting over from the fiery pit, or possibly the lake of fire. "Words."

"A somewhat pointless observation, and thus perfectly in-character for you."

"Look, you just got to trust me a little. It'll work," said Michael.

"No, I don't," Shawn said. "And no, it won't."

 

"Isn't this nice?" Tahani said. "Just us girls together? Away from the boys - well, men, I suppose I should say." She waggled her eyebrows.

Eleanor remembered the last time someone had waggled her eyebrows at her that way.

It had not ended well.

(Still, those first five minutes had been sort of fun.)

 

"Dude," said Jason. "Right now, behind those doors, do you know what is going on?"

"No," Chidi said. "I don't. And unless you have got infrared vision, neither do you."

"I actually thought I had infrared vision for a while, but then it turned out I was just wearing sunglasses - red ones. Man, that was freaky."

"Great story ... man. Really."

 

"Yeah," said Eleanor. "Sure thing, girlfriend. Let's call a fork a fork, shall we?"

"Beg pardon?" Tahani said.

"I meant fork, not fork." Eleanor helped herself to something that looked small, sweet and sugary. A kind of anti-Tahani, in a sense, given that Tahani was tall.

"You said fork. Why did you think I would think you meant something else?"

Eleanor considered - naw, better not. "Never mind. So hey! Weather! Small talk!"

Tahani sighed. Eleanor told herself that being tall naturally came with having a heaving bossom that made people think of ... _oh, fork_. "Oh, must we? I had so been hoping we might be friends."

"Hey," Eleanor said brightly, "you've got any deep, dark secrets, lay 'em on me. I'm totally here for you. Best friends forever, right?"

Tahani brightened. "Literally, in this place. What fun. To think that we will be spending all of eternity together. We simply _must_ tell one another everything."

"Hey, with eternity to get through, we'll probably be telling it twice," said Eleanor. "You go first."

"Oh no. After you." Tahani poured them both another cup of tea. "I insist."

"Well, gee. If you 'insist', what's a girl to do, right?" Eleanor said. "Breaking out the big guns, huh? Going around insisting on this, insisting on that. Where I come from, know what we'd call someone like you?"

Tahani's expression was slightly puzzled. "Miss?"

"Dam, you're good." Eleanor frowned. "Wait, I can actually say 'dam'? Oh. Right. Bossy! You're bossy! Like a person who is bossy!" Apparently, while she could think of the word 'person who is bossy', that word, too, was prohibited, which was typical.

Happily, there was no censorship on sexual fantasies. In the privacy of her own head, Eleanor could fantasize all she wanted about Tahani, rising to her full height, slowly taking off her clothes. They'd come down like autumn leaves, fluttering in the wind, except sexier.

Actually, on second thought, that dress was totally a one-piece, so it'd be more like an unveiling of the Statue of Liberty or something like that. One moment, a mystery; the next, revealed in full.

"Eleanor? Are you feeling quite all right?"

"Um," said Eleanor. "I'm fine. Just, you know, picturing you naked. Dam. Fork. _That_ comes out the way I thought it? Somebody explain the rules of this place to me, please."

 

"So," said Jason. "Your soulmate and my soulmate - that's something, eh? I mean, lesbians are just so hot, know what I'm saying? A real turn-on."

"Um," Chidi said. "You do know what lesbians are, don't you?"

"Hot!" Jason looked faintly offended for all of half a second. "I said that just now! Literally! Just now."

"Right," said Chidi. "Okay, let me put it this way. Would you want _Janet_ to be a lesbian?"

Jason thought about it, then grinned. "Totally. See? You get me, C-dog. That's so cool."

"Please don't ever call me that again."

 

"So, you see, the rules are really very simple," Tahani finished. "More tea?"

"Huh?" Eleanor blinked. She felt like she'd missed something. Not something important, probably. "Oh. Sure. Sorry, what were we talking about?"

Tahani blushed a little. It made her look kind of attractive. More attractive. If you went in for that whole 'tall and totally hot' thing. Eleanor supposed she might.

"You confessed to entertaining certain lascivious thoughts," said Tahani. "Regarding yours truly."

"Lascivious. That's such a funny word," Eleanor said. "Just love the way that rolls of the tongue, don't you? Lascivious. Lascivious."

"It's all right. I'm flattered," said Tahani. "I mean, we are in the Good Place, after all. Us good people, we can have sex without getting all bent out of shape about it, can't we? I mean, simply because one has met one's soulmate, one needn't cut oneself off from all of life's other simple pleasures."

"Right," Eleanor said. "That is so true. I'm not even going to comment on the fact that you just kind of, sort of insulted me a little. And I'm totally one of the good people. I mean, I'm here, aren't I? In the Good Place. Which is good. I deserve to be here, because I'm good, too - and I mean _good_ good, not, like, good at being a ditch. Did you just use the s-word?"

"What, sex?" said Tahani. "Oh. Was I being too forward? How cute. I look at you sitting there, all small and adorable, and it makes me want to - can I?"

"Go for it," Eleanor said.

Tahani booped her. Then she giggled.

Eleanor tried to work up the annoyance to imagine strangling her. "Great. Glad you got that out of your system. For the next five minutes, at least. So can I - ?"

"Please," said Tahani. "Hit me."

"You have no idea how tempted I am, sister," Eleanor muttered, before reminding herself that she was a Good Person, deserving of being in the Good Place, where people were apparently having Good Sex, which sounded like it might maybe be a little boring, but on the other hand, sex was sex, and Tahani was Tahani, and Eleanor figured that if they were both lying down, she might feel less short.

In the same vein, if she gave Tahani something else to do with her mouth than talk, the accent might become a little bit less annoying - even if she supposed that a phrase such as, say, 'oh, Eleanor, do me, right here, on this tea table' might gain a certain cachet if uttered in a posh British accent.

"Did you just suggest we have sex on the tea table?" Tahani frowned. " _This_ tea table?"

"Only if you were thinking what I'm thinking," said Eleanor.

(Apparently, she was. Huh.)


End file.
